This one’s for the women who feel like they’re constantly disappointing themselves to avoid disappointing everyone else.
I used to think being agreeable made me a good person.
I was the girl who said, “Sure, whatever works for you.”
The coworker who picked up the slack because “it’s just easier.”
The friend who never let you down—unless you count how often I let myself down.
People-pleasing wasn’t a cute little quirk. It was my survival strategy. I thought if I could just be easy, pleasant, helpful enough… no one would leave. No one would be mad. No one would be disappointed.
Except me.
I was the one who ended up anxious, resentful, exhausted.
The Burnout No One Sees
People-pleasing is sneaky because, on the outside, you look like you’ve got it all together. You’re the reliable one. The one who never makes waves. The one who can always be counted on.
But on the inside?
You’re unraveling. Quietly. Slowly. Alone.
I remember sitting in my car after work—engine off, keys in hand—completely frozen. I had said yes to another last-minute project, missed another therapy appointment, and agreed to go to a dinner I absolutely did not want to attend.
I wasn’t even mad at anyone else.
I was mad at myself—for saying yes.
For not having the guts to say, “I can’t. I’m tired. I need rest.”
But the truth is, I didn’t know how.
What No One Tells You About People-Pleasing
It’s not about being nice.
It’s about fear.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of being labeled difficult, selfish, ungrateful, cold.
People-pleasing is code for “I’ll abandon myself, so you don’t have to.”
It took me years—therapy, breakdowns, journaling, awkward conversations, and a lot of guilt—to start untangling from it. And no, I haven’t “mastered” it. Some days, I still say yes too quickly. Some nights, I spiral wondering if I upset someone. But I’m learning. Slowly. Imperfectly.
What Helped Me Start Saying No (Without the World Ending)
1. I Noticed My Body’s Clues
Before my mouth said “yes,” my body already knew it was a no.
Tight chest. Pit in my stomach. Tension in my jaw.
Now I check in with myself before I respond.
If my body feels tight, I ask: What would I say if I wasn’t afraid?
2. I Gave Myself a Script
I used to freeze in the moment, so I started practicing soft ways to say no. Stuff like:
- “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the bandwidth right now.”
- “That sounds great, but I need to protect my energy this week.”
- “Let me check and get back to you” (this one buys you time, by the way).
It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be honest.
3. I Accepted That Some People Wouldn’t Get It
And… that was hard.
Some people did get upset when I started setting boundaries. Some drifted away. Some made comments like, “You’ve changed.” And yeah—I had.
I was changing in ways that protected my peace instead of sacrificing it.
If that meant losing people who only liked me when I was self-abandoning, maybe that wasn’t a loss.
4. I Started Asking Myself This One Question
Before I agree to anything now, I ask:
“If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?”
Because every yes has a cost.
Sometimes it costs my sleep.
Sometimes my sanity.
Sometimes the thing I really needed, like rest or time alone or the ability to breathe without rushing.
What No Looks Like in My Real Life
“No” looks like me not replying to texts immediately.
It looks like canceling plans because I’m overwhelmed and not pretending otherwise.
It looks like disappointing someone else so I can stop disappointing myself.
And it also looks like:
- More energy
- More clarity
- More space to say yes to the things (and people) that feel aligned
If You’re Still Saying Yes When You Mean No
I want you to know this: you are not mean.
You are not wrong.
You are not selfish.
You are simply learning how to come home to yourself.
And yeah, it’s messy at first. You’ll feel guilt. You’ll overthink. You’ll want to backtrack. But I promise—it gets easier. Your nervous system will calm down. Your relationships will shift (in good ways). And you’ll finally feel the relief of not living your life like it’s one long audition.
You don’t need to earn your worth by being agreeable.
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to disappoint others to stay true to yourself.
You are allowed to rest, to protect your peace, to say “no thank you” without an essay.
A Little Homework (If You’re Ready)
Pick one small “no” this week.
Maybe it’s saying no to the group chat when you really just want a quiet night.
Maybe it’s saying no to the part of your brain that says your needs are too much.
Maybe it’s just not answering the phone when you don’t have the energy to pretend you’re okay.
Start small.
Practice.
Mess it up.
Try again.
This is a muscle you build slowly.
But every no gets you closer to yourself.
And that’s the version of you the world actually needs.
With so much permission and a little tough love,
Selene 💛
(Still learning, still messy, still trying.)
